Wednesday, December 5, 2012

About Domestic Abuse

(Photo: )


   Today, in a county fairly near our home, the domestic partner of a young teacher who worked at the Middle School arrived there before she started working.  He met her in the parking lot and proceeded to severely beat her around the face and head.  Despite the man being  in excess of 6 foot 6 inches tall and muscular, two teachers tried to pull him off her.  They likely saved her life.   The man ran, and the local sheriff arrived and had the woman transported to a trauma center where she remains in the hospital with severe head injuries.  The man was later apprehended when he turned himself in after negotiating with the sheriff over his cell phone.
      The news this evening tells us that the man had a restraining order against him, and had beaten, slapped or thrown his partner before.  He is also thought to have stolen her handgun which is missing from her apartment.   Since no one is permitted to have a concealed weapon in the vicinity of a school, the weapon would not have helped her, at least in the location where she was ultimately attacked.
       I would like to take a moment to remind all women, and fathers and brothers of women, that most of the time, men (or sometimes even women) who physically abuse a partner, do have a history of either physical abuse, or of inappropriate controlling behavior prior to an event such as this.  A man who controls your friends, loses his mind when you are twenty minutes late due to traffic, or a man who loses his mind when there is a slow driver in front of him, can evolve later into a man who kills his partner in a rage later.
        Sadly, women are killed due to domestic abuse every day in the US.  There are also women who shot and killed spouses and partners, and who kept prior abuse a secret  and who now sit in a Virginia jail as a result.   Teach your daughters to avoid a man who needs to control, and your sons to avoid such women.  It's easier to step back earlier in these types of relationships than it is to extricate oneself by the time there is a clear and present danger of physical abuse, and potentially of being murderered.
       As the economy slides, we are likely to see more of these sad situations as all of us are more stressed than we were prior, and those with these tendencies are more likely to act them out.   Watch your friends, your sisters, and anyone else you believe may be at risk.


Gorges Smythe said...

Sad, but necessary post.

JaneofVirginia said...

It also has impact for the students who arrived at school yesterday to see their teacher, to learn that she won't be back for the rest of the year. Perhaps a dialogue concerning domestic abuse can begin in a place where it might do some good.

lotta joy said...

My wasbund was mentally and physically abusive, but I always believed it was MY fault and I would do better in the future so he wouldn't 'have' to get angry at me. I walked on eggshells for so long that I didn't make the connection. He accidentally broke my leg. Accidentally slammed a glass door on my hand. Accidentally rammed his elbow into my "fresh from the hospital" breast surgery. Although he never, ever, apologized, I made it all into "accidents" and never told anyone.

My brother would have killed him, and since it was a mark against ME that my husband had to react to MY failings, I just trudged through my life hoping he could one day love me more than I deserved.

I find it impossible to forgive that simpering, mousy, young woman.

See? Even now it's not HIM I hate for the abuse, it's ME.

russell1200 said...

It is my understanding that your serial abusers tend to work very hard to isolate their victem from outside sources of help. Being close to nearby family is often one of the best defenses. Oddly enough, in the odd world of the abusive family the perp starts of with the victems family by getting into an us versus them type of dispute. When the abuse begins to spiral out of control, the victem's themselves don't feel like they can go to family because they were part of the initial stages that alienated family members.

JaneofVirginia said...

Yes, I understand that it is a very complex phenomenon. I had a very bright friend whose husband was quite abusive to her in front of their children. I would have packed suitcases and financial information and headed to a women's shelter and then a lawyer, but I have been raised to believe I am capable and strong, and my friend was not. She remained there until she lost everything, including her children to an abusive father.

JaneofVirginia said...

Forgive that creative, sweet and gentle young woman. She was trying to be the supportive young wife that she believed would turn him into the good husband he never became. You can hate the abuse, that will be fine.