Sunday, February 17, 2013

Medical Specialists We'd Like to See, Who Don't Exist Just Yet


   Having been a registered nurse for  all of my adult life, I always tend to see things in those terms.  Even when working as a writer or as am adjunct college instructor, I suppose I have always seen things analytically, first as a nurse, and then as whatever other hat I am wearing on that week.   Now that I have made it to the first year of middle age, I was thinking that I have more specialists now than I did at earlier junctures of my life.   I now have an electrophysiology cardiologist.  I have an internist. I suppose I still have a gynecologist if she remembers my name since I skipped a year, and I think they are like a magazine subscription, in that they don't seem to like your skipping a year.  I have an allergist-immunologist.  It occurs to me however, that I don't have all the specialists I need. It seems to me that with Obama-care coming in, I need to fix some longstanding issues once and for all, before health care, and the specialist networks we lucky Americans can sometimes access, decide to retire or buy ice cream stand franchises.  It also occurs to me that some of the specialists I need, don't even exist, just yet.
            Here are some of the new medical specialists of which I feel I might personally benefit.  I can just imagine hospitals with medical schools chomping at the bit to create these residency programs for new MDs.  Who knows, perhaps these are residencies which can be taught online. It seems everything else is today, whether it genuinely can be taught that way or not.

 Their definition follows:

1.   Bronchiatrist                        

  One who treats my asthma, and my bronchitis which develops when I have a cold, while simaltaneously treating my cat's behavior which periodically exposes me to cat dander, of which I am apparently allergic.

Pets who resemble my Susan and my Tosh, awaiting their appointment at the Bronchiatrist.   ( )

2.   Pastacologist  

  A gynecologist, usually female, who treats women who hope to be past their childbearing.  This gynecologist will run these tests  if you want them, but doesn't harass or harangue you about them when she realizes that all your family have died of heart rhythm disturbances, and no one has ever had breast or uterine cancer.   She is a pastacologist because in her specialty, people like are just past needing more painful mammograms or pap smears. Pastacologists are also responsible for birth control, and if you conceive while under their care, they owe you 100K. I have never liked the idea that normally the male physician  OB-GYN who normally provides birth control, actually profits when it fails.

This genuine gynecologist would be alright.  Remember, a pastacologist can't be too young.  (Photo:

3.  Gastrocountant     

  This is a medical specialist who treats you for stomach and intestinal disorders which result from nausea or gastritis which follows receiving the bills from other medical specialists.

Yes, she could be a gastrocountant, checking those bowel sounds !  (Photo:


4.  Chocolatrician     

 This is a board certified physician who, now that we know the true value of chocolate in terms of antioxidant potential, and heart health, as well as its use in emotional balance, assesses  whether you have enough chocolate in your diet to achieve and sustain optimal health.  Some of us may need therapeutic treatment several times a day with higher than normal doses in order to correct deficiencies.  Cadbury's is the name brand used for therapeutic use, with  Hershey's being the generic.

This would, of course, be a poster from a chocolatician's office.  ( )

5. Medascribologist        

  A Medacribologist is an exciting new medical specialist, which  I have just made up.   Their practice consists entirely of writing  notes for you should you be too sick to attend work, or perhaps not in the right frame of mind to attend. She will also write notes for your children should they be similarly indisposed.  She also will write renewals on prescriptions for things you genuinely need, while your primary doctor is in Barbados, Tristan da Cunha, or her kid's graduation from Harvard Med School.   Her practice  may occasionally extend to writing you a note to cancel or avoid invasive testing that other physicians have ordered, which she feels might be hard on your emotional or physical health. She might  write you a note in order to sidestep that endocscopy your doctor  has ordered, because you might not be in the right frame of mind to endure the necessary prep.

He fills out medical forms for any purpose.  Including receipts for IRS.  Yes, my vacation was medically prescribed !(Photo: ) 

6. Dementician        

  Finally, we all get a Dementician.  This medical specialist prescribes medications and computer games which help keep our intellects and short term memories in tip top condition for our ages. He or she makes sure that our fluid and particularly our electrolyte balance and nutritional state is such that any of the more obvious causes of the multiple varieties of dementia are being addressed. They make sure we are ingesting enough olive oil, as there is an association with olive oil ingestion and preservation of both intellectual function and memory. They might also prescribe some statins which theoretically could prevent amyloid plaques from depositing in other types of plaques in the brain, and leading to Alzheimer's Disease.   Should we ever actually descend into an actual genuine dementia, then she works with the mediscribologist to see that notes are written so that we can drive any way we wish, insult our relatives when necessary, and write obnoxious notes to politicians and our employers without negative fallout. This specialist should ideally not actually be demented themselves.

(Graphic: )

     If you have any other ideas for needed medical specialists, please write and let me know.  Since we will need to set up a website for the official board certification of these specialties, we better get cracking !

Gosh, all of these ideas are so inspired, I am surprized that I have not been requested to set up health care across the US on behalf of the Obama administration.  I am, after all, fully qualified, since I have a blog.


Linda said...

Those are really good specialities. I like the dementician. Okay, and the chocolatrician.

I need lots of notes.

It has occurred to me, also, that now might be the time to clear up a few quirks in my body that might kill me or disable me, either of which would make me disagreeable.

JaneofVirginia said...

Seriously for just a moment, since dementia is such a common problem, and it's usually detected by a gerontologist, a neurologist, a psychiatrist or a family practitioner, I wonder since there really are medications and practices that can limit, decrease or detect reversible causes of dementia, that we really should have a dementia potential check up by one of the above practitioners who specializes in or has a personal interest in brain aging and different types of dementia. Current medicine treats it when it occurs, where we should likely be treating it in avoidance, which is now possible.
Despite this truth, the post was written in good fun.